Ω

I time every journey
to bump into you
accidentally
I charm you and tell you
of the boys I hate
all the girls I hate
all the words I hate
all the clothes I hate
how I'll never be anything I hate
you smile, mention something that you like
how you'd have a happy life
if you did the things you like.

Last night was unusually strange. My plan was to put my head down and nap for an hour and then finish my supposedly "in-class" essay. I fell asleep in the clothing I had worn during the day with my light on, from about midnight until I woke up and looked at my alarm clock at 8AM. I was immediately overcome with frustration and anxiety; I hadn't finished my paper and school would start in 25 minutes. And I had no time to shower or put on make-up. To make matters worse, I had dreamt that I tried to kill myself by jumping off a cliff, but I had somehow landed in a swimming pool, with people I knew. I stood there in confusion. Then I looked out the window, only to see it was quite dark for 8AM. I looked at my cell phone to see that it was actually 5:02AM. Somehow, my alarm clock was two hours ahead, even though I went alseep with it showing the right time. I fixed my alarm clock turned off the light and went back to bed for another hour. I wrote this because nobody'd care to hear it.

I have nobody.

I'm beginning to understand. I think I'm trying to prove something to somebody, but there is anyone there so I'm just left to weep for my own failures. It's because I can't do a Chemistry and Biology test in one day, I can't prepare a Biology seminar while writing an essay on the tragedy of Macbeth. I can't be anything I want to be and I hate myself for putting so much pressure to be something when I know I am nothing. I'm the only one watching. I can't. I can't take three science courses and three english courses in my final year simply because my brain is not capable, simply because I'm too stupid. I won't aspire to be a physicist, an english professor or have a phD in philosophy because I know inside that what I'm trying to be is somebody, anybody, but when did I ever set my expectations so high for anyone? People drift away and it saddens me to lose the people that meant something to me, but I too would stop talking to me if I were you. I just embarrass myself, when I'm so fucking incompetent.
And the exit sign offers no light to see by.

As I wonder why my immune system chooses this week out of all 52 in a year to give in, I realize how I've regressed to this state of indifference that comes only from being so far. I've distanced myself, yet again, not from people but from anything joyous. It rains and inside I reflect back the same frown to the sky that offers me nothing but its sorrow. Maybe I've lost the ability to recognize when I'm feeling anything. Afterall, if happiness equals acceptance and indfference is accepting, then why don't I say I'm happy? Give me back the priviledge to feel and have it echo out through my face in the shape of a smile. When I'm gaining and losing equally, there is nothing left to be felt. It's the story of our existence and I must be patient. I'm waiting on my life to show me something other than its back. I want to rise with the sun and memorize its grace then mimic the serenity of a sunrise in remaining drone of everyday. I'm waiting on myself to pick up something other than what the past puts down for me.

The greatest feeling ever. This morning I woke up and didn't feel like I was there, like the person in the mirror was a dream. So then I was smoking outside on my balcony, just listening to the wind. My mind is silent and nothing matters. I could be happy forever. Alone. I'm so so calm. I can't stop listening to 'Just Impolite' and I wish there was nobody in the world but me. An amplified sense of solitude may be what I need to connect my existence to my body, this reality. Hands are really really weirdr I've noticed.

There's the line that is leading clearly feeding all
the things I don't believe in but I'll step in once again
Cut in line to get closer to the source of all the
things I'll never belong to
step it up and sign right it again

That's when it turned on me
a motorcade of 'meant to be's:
parades of beauty queens
where soft entwines make kindling
these many detailed things
like broken nails and plastic rings
will win by keeping me
from speaking to my new darling
and there's no way to know
our future foe scenarios
that's when it turned on me
where bobby pins hold angel wings

It's alright.

I'm sorry for anything that I may have done to you in the past that has made you feel the need to humiliate me every chance you get. You are not funny, nobody is laughing but yourself and you don't see it, you just tell me to 'relax', like it's nothing, but these little bits of nothingness add up to enough to make me feel like nothing. Remember when you got so mad for me leaving because I didn't want to be with you? I remember how guilty I felt for not sacrificing myself to ensure your happiness. Remember when I asked you months ago to stop making rude comments and somehow it ended with me feeling like I did something wrong. You treat me awfully horrible and I put up with it, even though I see exactly what you are trying to do and it's not fair. I laugh it off like it's a joke. Haha, yes everything I do is pathetic and everybody should just laugh.You're happy. You got what you wanted. I'm sorry you're trying to keep me from mine, but I've had enough. I'm tired of being treated like an absolute joke. I'm not going to seek revenge. I'm not purposely go out of my way and do something horrible to you. I'm not giving you a reaction anymore. You're not going to get what you want from me.