Ω

I will be there.

"...the one thing that brings light to all of my darkness." :) Yesterday, I couldn't be happier.
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We still call you to bug you, hang up the phone and laugh about you. We fill your voicemail box with clever messages to ridicule you. We think you're a loser. By the way, 'Yolanda from the Health Centre of Toronto with your STD screening results' was really us. :)
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The bands playing at tonight's show were all but one really inadequate, and the interesting bassists still all remained beautiful while making ears bleed. The creepy men and cold evening air to the dirty venue and drunken skanking, it wasn't different than any other night. More and more, everything blended into one loud scream.

I'm studying for a Biology test, frustrated with the pressure of keeping an above ninety average in this course while feeling helpless that it's April and somewhere, somebody forgot that it's not supposed to snow anymore. I want a car because I am this close to being licenced; I want to chase the horizon until I forget where I started, but I think I'll settle with driving around town. There is not much else to say, except for that I think my vitamin supplements are having an affect, which is great news. I also have two concerts and an engagement party to look forward to, and when that's all over I will get my braces taken off and be that much closer to a smile.

I am using my priveledgle to filter certain parts of my life and I am concent with the thought that I choose not to see you anymore.

I will never bother you, I will never promise to, I will never follow you,
Never speak a word again, I will crawl away for good,
I will move away from here, you won't be afraid of fear
No thought was put in to this, I always knew it would come to this
Things have never been so swell, I have never failed to fail

I'm so warm and calm inside, I no longer have to hide
Let's talk about someone else.
Steaming soup against her mouth, nothing really bothers her,
She just wants to love herself.

I will move away from here, you won't be afraid of fear
No thought was put into this, I always knew it would come to this.

I was born with the wrong sign, in the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road that led to
The wrong tendencies

I was in the wrong place, at the wrong time
For the wrong reason and the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day of the wrong week
I used the wrong method with the wrong technique

There's something wrong with me, chemically
Something wrong with me, inherently
The wrong mix in the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends by the wrong means

It was the wrong plan in the wrong hands
With the wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong lies on the wrong vibes
The wrong questions with the wrong replies

I was marching to the wrong drum with the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines and the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity

I was on the wrong page of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition of the wrong hook
Made the wrong move every wrong night
With the wrong tune playing 'til it sounded right. Yeah.
Wrong. Depeche Mode.


What does it mean? It means wanting to blend into the walls when all attention is turned to you. It means not wanting to talk to anyone you don't know. Strangers are terrifying. It means the coldest, sweaty hands with a life-less appearence and the ability to extinguish the most burning desires. The blood running through my veins, into the heart where I hope it is pumped out with hopes, joy and an innate sense of desire but I know my heart is frigid and cold.

This was probably the greatest break ever even though it somehow ended in tears. Funny how I promised myself to never drink alcohol again but here I am tonight with a headache that comes only from too much vodka and rum. I told them I wasn't going to, I explained why it was a terrible choice for me to make but I did it again and I had more to drink than anybody else and apparantly I half drunkedly found more Smirnoff, behind everybody's back in the dark only to be caught because I was not discrete, but who can blame me. I don't remember what happened after, partly because it was only a couple hours ago and I am still not in a sober mind but I feel sad as fuck and it's terrible how alcohol does this to me. I don't know. I wish I had self control but my self destructive instincts get the better of me most of the time, all of the time. I remember sleeping in a living room full of people and everybody seemed to care about something, until they started disapperaring and the crowd shrank and we were left on the couches to discuss our fear of the future and wonder why is it that nobody trusts us with a car. I drove myself home and just as I thought the night was over I fucked up again, in my own driveway so I parked the car and let myself into the house and now it's time for me to stop writing.
Apparantly I was very determined to be the photographe so I'll probably put up a picture to accompany this text, later on.

It's getting into 18A movies when you're seventeen and so darn sneaky, and it's laughing obnoxiously in the theatre when the movie is not so funny. It's driving around in a van with people who make your life, doing double the speed limit to accelerating away from problems, until the next red light. It's sitting at around a table and actually smiling, a happiness so real it makes me glad to be alive. It's piling back into the van to take the long way home, make stops here and here and there, dropping off whoever, and the driver is on edge because she must make curfew. It's having the windows down on the freeway before midnight and the radio is loud and it's as if the car's heart is amplified and we're driving through town and all I can think about is maybe, maybe it's not all so horrible. It's being 16 and having mom's car for the weekend and as we drive by the various places which harbor the same exact regrets, I think maybe I can replace them with gratefulness because all I know is that tonight I felt alright.

'...the truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.'
Oh, how I'll never miss being 14 because you are so last spring and boys like you really are a dime a dozen.

It's strange thinking about when I was 14, which was not that long ago at all, and to wonder as much as I may hate the way I was and no matter how ready I am to give anything just to erase my recollection of the past 3 years, maybe I'm not that different now. I still do stupid things. I still say dumb things. I still regret every passing moment. Not feels okay yet.

I remember being 14 and still caring so much because everything just really seemed to matter. I remember living in a different house and taking public transit to school. I remember having nicer hair, hair that wasn't bleached and curled nicer. I remember laughing, all the time, everyday, until my sides would split. I remember the clean slates I had, the eagerness on everybody's faces and my chances to make first impressions on people, something I hadn't done in a while. I remember feelings that were deep. I remember not knowing anybody's name but being extremely curious to get to know new faces. Nobody is innocent anymore. I know everybody's name and face and I wish I'd never. Every day was a new relationship, somebody new, and now every waking moment I am in the absence of these people, who never amounted to meaning enough for me to miss them, but I wish they had. And it is ridiculous for me to sit here and still be perplexed by the common known fact that everything falls apart. I'm not even frustrated anymore that I can't get anything right. I sit around and wait for the class to end, the afternoon to end, the night to end so I can wake up and wait for it all to end all over again. Nothing has ever had any meaning to me, I realize, and I'm not sure I'm as okay with it as I think I am. Nothing I say or write anymore reflects what I would want it to. I'm a horrible person for saying these things. Of course people have mattered to me. Of course there have been days and night that I wish I could pause, rewind and play all over again. I feel the nothingness in me and today that's one thing that matters.

Who am I kidding. I cannot be who I want to be.