Ω

I don't know. I need a new book to read. A new band to exploit. A something to lose myself in. I don't know. I just don't feel like much and I don't want to really be around people. I find I'm an extremely jealous, greedy and sadistic person, ugly to the bone. I don't want this anymore, I don't want these people to be around me and I don't want to remember their faces. I keep focus on getting out of here, thinking things would change in two years. What scares me the most is that I won't know how to deal, come two years and I'm still the same. Really though, I mean there's an end to it no matter what I do or don't do, so I really do not see a good reason to wait for it to end. I won't have to go through being me. It requires no contemplating, it's pretty simple and clear.
I don't know what I'm waiting for. Someone to come around and maybe then I'll change. Or maybe I'll come around. Knowing one ever will and knowing I won't is old news. I don't want anyone for whom I'll be anything less than a compulsive obsession. Winter is a horribly depressing 5 months for me. Here it comes again.

But that was yesterday.

It's like I'm not worth the effort. Nobody would spare me part of their time, am I not worth your words or your attention and so surely easily forgotten. And I do try, but nobody wants anything of me. I'll back off. Disappear. You know it's true that the more you believe something doesn't exist, I will just vanish and then nobody, not even myself, will have to deal with me. It's something I did. Or didn't do. I don't know. There are six hundred and fifteen days and at the end, they'll have each other. She'll have her. He'll have another her. I'll have my exit to look forward to.


I regret every single moment I spent in your presence and I wish for anything that would erase away the memories. I'm trying to live as if it never even happened but I remind myself of you, and I want to scratch out your face from my mind and suffocate your voice that rings and rings and haunts and taunts.

Crying scares me because it screams the truth.

Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand
No one will ever feel like this again
And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you
I must have dragged my guts a block... they were gone by the time we talked...

I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
But you know that I could crush you with my voice

Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details, I don't want to know a thing

I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret
My pen is the barrel of the gun: remind me which side you should be on.

I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.

[ In my desolate dreams, I see his eyes so clear.
The soul survivor of now past emotions;
Will I ever find you now, why am I out of control,
Do I have to fall asleep to meet you again?

The last night I ever dreamt about you,
That night the soul harvester came to me

Wrap me up in the black noise of this room,
Take me where my soul shadow burns in its tomb.
Stir the feelings from the past
I'll make sure all hope will last until my soul fades to black.

Wake up in cold sweat from the everlasting dark,
The fight for my mind has begun now.
Another dreamless night, another night without you.
Please come back and let me taste yesterday. ]
If I could turn back time, I'd take you and I back to when you wanted you and I. Why do you stare at me like I'm some sort of godess but I can't look you in the eye...I don't do well with facing my mistakes.


I don't think I can take much more and I've no where, no one to turn to. The night is filled with the most disturbing thoughts and they invade my mind and taint the back of my eyelids and I cannot sleep. I have no strength to keep my eyes from swelling red and each tear is my insides sending a plea, make it all stop. End this nightmare our lives have turned into. I want out of the secrecy and uncertainty, I am never afraid of tomorrow because it is all I ever have. I am sustained by this not so everlasting mirage of days to come, those filled with the joy that comes with relief, freedom and serenity. Right now, with every room in this house occupied, I feel alone. In conversations and the blatant routine life of school, it's as if I was never even there. So one day, I only want to live in solitude, away from the memories that were forced into my head and the grief and guilt I was chained to, I want to live the life I want all for myself because we can really only help ourselves.

It's the nightmare never dreamt of that tears apart everything you think you had. And me, I don't know how to deal with this. You think you know someone so dear, someone who kissed you on the cheek, hugged you and brought you presents at every visit. There's a monster in all of us, and it scares me and I shake and my body can't cope with seeing her like this. I feel like barfing. Nothing has sunk it yet. I need to bring myself to fathom the severity of the situation and be strong, for my family. It's not right. It's not right. How can someone so strong, loving and open-hearted fall into the bruising hands of someone so sick? It's not right.

AIRBORNETOXIC




And I'm hoping by now he's realized how much better it felt when I cared.
And I'm hoping by now they've realized how much better it felt when I cared.
And I'm hoping by now she's realized how much better it felt when I cared.


It's the same feeling when he touches me or talks about me, that warm I feel after passing through his body, from mouth, finger, vein, lungs, and given the chance, on his heart I'd mark 'I Was Here'. I truly believe I really was.

It just feels like nobody has anything to say anymore. Not like anyone's ever listening.

I cried for world history. I cried for physics. I cried because I'm nothing.

maybe if you knew that you are my only regret, the sole 'wish I had' and unfortunate chance I missed, our eyes wouldn't avert so suddenly when meeting. nevermind it's been two years and 5 girls, we're back where we started. the only difference is now i can't even look you in the eyes for too long because, what's the point, it's not like it'll lead to anything more and you would have better things to do. If I had the courage and the heart, I'd tell you how sorry I am for not keeping you close enough and believing that there's better and it'll come. Hahaha. Better is what you deserved and better is what you got while I became the worst possible thing that climbed back and out of your mind. I'm miserable and I deserve it.

These people do their own thing and all I do is hear about it because I'm too unstable to belong to anything or anyone. I surround myself with them because I swear I'd die and weekends roll around and no one calls. Just once mmmaybe I could I'm lonesome.

And I'm like look at MEE hate MEEEE MEEE ignore MEEEEE hate ME hate ME hate MEEEE, complete and total vanity.




Do you want it? Do you want me?
I want it, it is you, you are where I want to be.

Virgin Music Festival, Toronto Island Park, 09/06/08

The only word that can describe tonight is insanity. Absolute fucking glee, and the shock still hasn't hit me.

√ = met them :)

♥ :
- We Are The Take √
- Saint Alvia Cartel! √ (sort of not really)
- Mardeen √
- The Midway State √
- The Airborne Toxic Event √
- Against Me! √
- The Fratellis √
- Wintersleep √
- MGMT √
- The Kooks!!! √√√√



Picture: Luke Pritchard with his hands all over my shirt. ♥